Suddenly channeling...

Twelve years later,  and I’ve finally figured it out.  Now, I feel both brilliant and stupid simultaneously.   Of course, to be honest, I thought I had figured it out at the time… In fact, I thought I understood perfectly, but I clearly was wrong.

On a random July morning in 2012, I was standing in my driveway.  I had a my son’s old Nikon F3 in one hand and the leash of a should be pooping dog in the other.   Suddenly there were Monarch butterflies everywhere, and I mean everywhere. 

Ignoring the fact that I had no idea how to use the camera I was holding and had never taken a decent picture in my life, I decided to take some photos.  Might as well, right?   The dog was clearly in no hurry.   I snap about 10 random pictures of butterflies. My dog relieved herself,  and we went in.

Though it took about a week to actually look at the images, when I finally did I was shocked, and honestly, pretty confused.  They were great - like seriously great. So great, in fact, that I instantly understood that I had not taken them.   Of course, I held the camera and presses the shutter, but this perfectly focused well-lit, close up of a monarch butterfly shining against a dark gray backdrop had nothing to do with me.

Having long dabbled in the metaphysical  realm, I quickly came to the conclusion that I was channeling something - perhaps a past life had come forward to launch me into a career as a professional nature photographer.  I wasn’t sure what exactly was happening, but I was sure these photos were coming from me.  Through me, yes,  but from me, not a chance.  

As a result, each time I sent out with that old camera in hand, I would drop into meditation and clearly ask what I was meant to shoot that day.  Then glasses, or no glasses, I simply followed the light.  Over the course of the next five years, I never once changed a setting on the camera.  I never adjusted the aperture, changed the shutter speed, or played with the ISO settings.  To this day, I have no idea what they are, and sadly had to google those words before typing them here.

In fact, that on one occasion  I’d driven 3 hours to Scotland Neck, NC to visit the Sylvan Heights Bird Park.  Unbeknownst to me, however, a friend had randomly and chaotically changed all the settings on my camera.   Not bothering to glance at them, I proceeded to take 100 or more, photos of the magnificent birds I saw. And drove home happily.

Loading the images into my computer that night I saw 93 disastrous shots.  Many were completely blacked out - the others so blurry it was hard to see anything at all.   But there among the ashes, were seven of the most beautiful photos I’d taken to date:  two gray crowned cranes shining against a pitch black background.  Their eyes in perfect focus. The light magnificently illuminating their golden crowns.

And so it went, over and over again for the next five years. I won awards, published two photo books, and sold quite a few prints.  Until, as quickly as it appeared, the channeling stopped.  Boom! I was back to myself… and as I’d said, I know nothing about photography.  Try as I might, the energy was gone, and before long, so too was my business.  

What I have come to understand now, nearly 12 years later, is that yes, I was indeed channeling something, but no it was not a past life.  What I was channeling,  was Awareness itself.  By simply holding the space for my form to be used in appreciation of its own creation, Awareness was using me (and therefore allowing me) to view its own magnificence.

Initially, I had been a pure channel.  Simply allowing the energy to run through me.  I expected nothing - hoped for nothing and willingly followed any impulse which arose in me to head in this direction or that.  With no ownership and no stake in the game, I had been blessed as a channel of pure Awareness, capturing the beauty of its nature, something I had long admired. 

So what happened?  Why did it suddenly stop? The inevitable perhaps: My ego started upping the game.  As my business grew, so did my expectations.  Though I never made the mistake of thinking any of these skills were mine, I did begin to demand more.  I bought a better camera, new lenses and a venders tent. I began to print and frame more and more of the shots.

Long story short, as I stepped in to market and control the outcome, the input stopped. 

I understand now that this is how the whole of the Universe works.  This is the nature of awakening and Awareness itself.  When ego steps aside, Consciousness flows:  Clear seeing abounds and the Universe offers its gifts.   As a pure channel,  I served merely as a tool, reflecting back to the Universe its own amazing creations.  We had found a peaceful balance.

Once my ego engaged, however, the vast creativity I’d once channeled shrunk back to fit into the mind and body of my meager form.  Like the ocean now being squeezed  through a hose, the results were less than spectacular.  The fact that my form knows nothing about photography certainly didn’t help, and before long, the experience was over.

I have now come to believe that Awareness has three options when dealing with form.  The first, of course, is to simply allow the egoic mind to preform whatever dance it deems appropriate.  In other words, the un-awakened, un-seeking, and more solid vibrations among us are free to simply carry on with their lives.  

Once awakened, however, I agree with Eckhart Tolle, that there are perhaps, two paths Awareness can take.  It can use you as a tool to observe itself or use you as a tool to act, wether it be to create or destroy.

 The strength, vibration, and speed of it all, also appears to be dependent on the vibration of the host form.  Similar to a Kundalini awakening, high voltage energy can be difficult for a body to hold. Thus Awareness must temper its flow to avoid harming its host.

I wish I had understood all of this at the time. But in 2012, my lens had been focused on the metaphysical arts.  Thus, turning to past lives as an explanation was a natural extension of my knowledge and previous experiences. Today, of course, I see it differently.  

So where does that leave me?  Honestly your guess is as good as mine.   Simply curious perhaps to see what comes next.